Monday, May 26, 2014

"God is in the rain."

If you do an internet search for this quote (made popular by the movie V for Vendetta starring Natalie Portman and Hugo Weaving) one of the first things to pop up is that it means "challenge perfects the human soul."

I'm a true Aquarius. When it rains, if I can't make it outside to stand in it, I throw open every window, sit by the sill and watch it pour.

Today it is storming. In more ways than one. If challenge perfects the human soul the way a stone is shaped in a river or a canyon erroded by rain, then my soul should be damn close to perfection.

In honor of Memorial Day, here in the US, my husband had the day off from work. I got to sleep in and take a shower at 11am. My husband was going to nap while Caiden did, but Caiden had other plans. Neither one have napped yet today.

On days that hubby is home, I get Caiden out of his room and take him to sit on our bed to say hi to daddy after his nap. For whatever reason, Caiden didn't want to today and he was thrown into a meltdown.

His most severe one to date.

It lasted about 20 minutes, short as far as meltdowns go, but it was severe. Screaming, thrashing, choking for air, biting, and hitting. The whole shebang. I didn't think it would ever end. It was also the first meltdown of this magnitude that my husband had seen.

He's a great father, he and Caiden love each other to pieces and have an amazing bond. However, he struggles to grasp the difference between terrible twos behavior and autistic behavior, and it frustrates him. For this reason, along with being a stay at home mom, I manage the tantrums, and the meltdowns, and pretty much anything that could induce stress. And I'm happy to do so. I don't always know how to help Caiden, but I have more success than anyone else. He needs me to be there in those moments.

I guess my ability to get through stressors unflustered, is why I started graying just before I hit my 20s, when my grandmother didn't until her 60s.

It stopped raining about a half hour ago and while Caiden is still edgy, I feel calm. If only it could rain on each of his bad days, it would be easier to shake the exhaustion that follows them. There's something calming about watching how the raindrops fall.

We're currently watching his favorite Bubble Guppies dvd. Hell, we might watch the whole thing. Twice, if it means him staying calm. This will be our challenge today. And possibly tomorrow, and each day for the rest of our lives.

Caiden is shaping who we are. He is holding our hearts and he has the power to stomp on them, or hold them tight against his own. He will show us our breaking points, push us past them and force us to build new ones. He will be the rain that threatens to drown us, and the life jacket that saves us.

And when my time comes, if after all this, I don't have a perfect soul, I'm demanding a refund.

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